It still bugs me.

It's that time of year again, a time for reflection, and a time to look forward and yet I seem to be stuck, stuck on things that have happened in the past, thing that were not necessarily in my control. I always have to keep that in mind, this is out my control.

I have always been an outsider, always been. You're thinking how can I say that but it is very true. I am not stupid. I am even an outsider in my own family. MY OWN FAMILY!! I can't put my finger on exactly when I became such, but it's not my fault, I keep saying this to myself hoping that that sense of hurt will go away... it won't.Whether it will or not is something I can't answer, I don't know if an answer could be sought, given the years of damage. When my dad died 5 years ago (wow! 5 years really? yup 5.), mum and I made the decision not to tell anyone from his family that he had passed. We knew it would be his final wish. Initally the intent was to be as vindictive as they had been to us. But it was just a simple wish that wanted to be granted. Nothing more, nothing less. They had virtually given up on him and to us it felt as though we were giving them the satisfaction that he had left their lives for good- to no longer remind them that they are fuck ups as well, to no longer remind themselves that they fell short of being the loving and compassionate siblings as they should have been. Years later we found out that a cousin of mine knew of his passing and that is because she was working the night shift at the hospital where he died. In a strange sort of way it was a small confort that someone else knew- she's a self described black sheep of the family as well- mostly due to the distorted views and unrealistic expectations of her mother.

I often think back to those days and ponder, being a devils advocate, what if when they found out that they tried their damnest to make amends, to take back all the cruel words that were directed at me for no reason at all other than I happen to share half of the DNA of my father, and their distorted views of what was happening at the time. I can understand being resented for being the only grandchild named in the will, I get that, but understand that I did not know and to berate me for it was completely uncalled for!

Would have they wanted to be there when I got married, married to a guy who my one relation indicated that he wasn't worth it given the geographical distance. Married to a foreigner, OH MY GOD!

Would have they wanted to be present for my graduation from univerisity given that I am the only one who has attended? Probably not, again the perception that I didn't pay for school, someone else did!

I don't have a deep seeded resentment towards my dad's side of the family. I keep my distance and I feel that I have done well in maintaining a distance, hell I don't even live in the area. Although it's been said that I am not too welcoming when an encounter does occur. Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I think the thing that gets to me is I have left them alone- leave 'em be... but unfortunately that has not been the case and it bugs me to no end. I have to question if fate is trying to fuck me over on this one.

I am very smart and very perceptive to the world around me. I had to be growing up the way I did. But is there really an aura about me that makes me an outcast... do I seriously have a hidden tattoo that identifies me as an undesirable?? Was my fate sealed the moment I arrived on this earth?

There are small rare occasions where this doesn't occur, I prefer to view them as exceptional circumstances because they are just that... exceptional.

It's why I keep going.

Random Acts of Kindness: Tim Hortons

Well I had a rather pleasant surprise this morning at Tim Hortons. I stop in Olds every morning on my way into work for little cup of something to get my day off and running, and some days that is all I seem to do is run because there have been mornings where my coffee is cold before I get to it, but I digress. Last Christmas I heard about this random act of kindness being passed around in the spirit of the season. You're waiting in line at the drive thru and low and behold when it is your turn to pay the person infront of you has paid your bill. I thought that it was an urban legend myself, I go everyday and yet never had a kind hearted stranger pay for my Extra Large English Toffee (yeah snicker all you want, I hear it all the time from the guys at work). The first time it happened to me was this past May in Airdrie when I was heading down to Lethbridge for a conference for work. It felt cool, so of course I paid for the guy behind me, hoping that it would continue on for the rest of the day!! Since that day it has happened a number of times in Olds on my way to work. But this morning was particularily nice because I have been sufferring from a mild migraine and didn't want to go into work because I felt so crappy!! It turned my what would be crappy day into a day that was rather productive!! And the nice thing in all of this is that he was a local business owner in his company car to boot!! So luckily I will be able to send a thank you card!! Not many people do it in this day and age, but in the world that I work in, you gotta commend a nice guy for doing something out of the ordinary.

PASS IT ON!!!

So happy I did it!!

It's a rare thing for me these days... taking a mental health day. Since taking on my most current position I really haven't had to, despite all the stress that inherently comes along with the job. But for some strange reason I decided to say fuck it!! I took a day. It was nice. Sleeping for a better part of the morning and then just hanging around the house which seems like I haven't done for ages, although I get a good dose of it every night but I think it's because I am decompressing from work (and really who doesn't right???) It was nice eventhough yesterday was nice too... I for some strange reason love grey days where it's on the cusp of snowing... I think it goes back to my year in Sweden except it wasn't on the cusp of snowing it was literally horizontally raining!

Not to mention I did my part as little Susie-homemaker and made a killer meal for me and the hubby. And I finally got all the dishes done... and the stove tackled!!

Well I think that I have prevented myself from going absolutely stir-crazy, some days I really wonder how this life I have chosen for myself is going to affect me in the end. I know that if it were not for my absolute morbid sense of humor it would have gotten to me way back in my training days (where I swear to god I was nearly on the cusp of a nervous break down (how else do you lose 10 pounds in two days??). I haven't had a serious panic attack in nearly four years, I've had some mild ones, you know just to keep me in check ;)

Looking forward to the next one!!!

Whoo hoo!! I know what I want for Christmas!!

I am a bad Kent fan!!! I didn't know that they were releasing a box set of all their CD'S!!!! YAY!!!! Because I think I lost Tillbaka Till Samtiden like a week after I got it!!

YAY!!

It's been some time.

I know I have no excuse... maybe I do!

I have had literally no motivation to write on here for the last 6 some odd months. As much as I would love to be able to talk about my work, because it is facinating, seeing the darker side of human nature and trying to make some sense out of it for the common good. In reality I can't talk about my work on here. I would probably fuck it up and say something that I shouldn't say and get my ass canned, I have done well for myself, despite having the upbringing that I have had, I don't want to lose what I've got...

So for the last little while I have wanted to add something to my blog. I would have really liked to post on the recent Canadian election as I have done in the past, however, it's a conflict of interest when you're working for the government. But I will say this... I don't agree with Stephen Harper on the best of days, however with him I've got job security, and in reality that is all I could ever hope for!!

I haven't talked about some personal stuff... it's more of a security thing with me. Again with the business that I am in, I've gotta becareful of what is posted.

However it is because of my work the wheels have been turning, mostly now because of the dark morning drives to work, when I am trying to wake my mind up so by the time I get to work I am ready and aware. Since moving into our new house last year, I've discovered a real gem of a radio station out of Calgary, X92.9. This is the stuff I grew up with, this is the stuff that I mostly identify with. Unfortunately at work, I can't get it... it's the outer cusp of the radio signal... which sucks, although it's made me revisit my CD collection (which I will be getting to, eventually, yeah yeah I am blathering, but this is nice...)anyways, recently there's been a contest to go see Matt Good in Banff. FUCK YEAH!!! Despite my best efforts to try and win tickets I failed disasterously (my mobility bill is going to suck ass!). Anyways they were referencing Hospital Music, his most recent new stuff (with exception to the live album). I have to be honest, I bought it, listened to the first few songs that I knew, and pretty much put it on the shelf... which is what I did with Avalanche too. Then I heard part of the story behind the album (i've always been the type to read the liner notes). Wow, it explains so much. Mostly why I enjoy Matt Good's music so much, and probably why I relate to it so much. I write my best reports at work when I've got one of his CD's going. My recommendation, if you don't know the story behind the CD, Google it. I did it with Hospital Music.

I have always fought with deamons... it's part of my makeup. But reading Matt Good's blog and the explanation of the run up to Hospital Music. I really wonder about myself. Now mind you, I haven't had to go through the hell that Matt Good did. And reality is no one should ever have to go through that. I am glad he's got the help.

It really bugs me that I let this sit on the shelf for nearly a year now... what the fuck was I thinking... but then again I am really really bad for this.

Music has always been my connection to my soul because really for the most part me and my soul are two different entities, just like home and work are. I usually get so caught up with the outside (not that I am self absorbed, hello have you looked at my ass lately??) that I rarely take the inside. I have gotten so used to not talking about myself (again that's work) that the connection that I had in my angsty teenage years has been connected by a fine thread. It's good to be listening to music again!!

No, I haven't died!

And I haven't been taken hostage in my office either. Check below and see why...





This is Eli. We got him just over 7 weeks ago, and it's been a busy 7 weeks. I am back to an office job until July so hopefully I will get a bit more of a routine to things to come!

Less than 24 more years until I'm out of jail!

Whoo hoo!! Hurray for me!! I have made my one year of probation!! I half expected to get called up to the human resources and asked to hand in my security pass. But nope!! Instead I ended up having one of the most stressful weeks of my career.One thing that added the stress of the week Max lost a second grandparent in a month. Thank god for mom and vodka paralyzers!!

Oh well the good news is I get to go back to shift work and overtime for the next month and a half and then it's back to case management. I must have done something right in order to get asked again!! YAY!!

My new favorite show

Seems as though The Hills is on hiatus for the winter, I've found a new television show for Max and I to banter about. It's on the CBC, it's called "The Week The Women Went". Within the first five minutes I couldn't wait to see the next episode. Take a small town in Alberta and give all the women a killer week off in the Rockies, and leave the men to deal with the kids and kaos that ensues. Oh and don't forget the Honey Dew list!!!! This is probably the best show that the CBC has come up with. I don't really want to get started on MVP, which by the way is pretty funny when you've had about two bottles of wine, think Footballers Wives meets a slice of Canadiana. Needless to say, I am pretty happy that for once the CBC hyped something up and followed it through.

I think those that live in small towns will see a bit of themselves. I think that most in Alberta will relate to this because alot of people haven't taken a vacation, not because they necessarily can't afford it, it's because we are such hard workers.

Rock on Hardisty!!

New Year Revival

Happy 2008 Everyone!!

I have finally gotten around to actually writing the first post of the new year. I can't believe that it has taken me this long to actually write anything.

So I am still adjusting to this whole domestication thing. Since moving into the house I haven't really allowed for Max to do anything.... not that he can't for the most part but it's just that my way tends to be better.

We're doing well and everything is slowly taken shape. We're hosting our first party on the weekend and we will see how that goes. We're finally getting some snow too which is nice because the grass is going to need it for the spring. We're getting ready to get a puppy. I have to wait and see what my work schedule is going to turn out like in the spring first before we take the plunge because it's kinda hard to train a puppy when you are working 12 hour shifts. If I get to keep my bankers hours then it might be a sooner than later thing.

Speaking of work... it's going well, I am learning how to balance which is an adjustment. It's so nice to have evenings off, not that I get much done!! But I miss working the midnight shifts, all the reading I get done when I set down to it is the best thing of all. That and no one bugs you!!