It still bugs me.

It's that time of year again, a time for reflection, and a time to look forward and yet I seem to be stuck, stuck on things that have happened in the past, thing that were not necessarily in my control. I always have to keep that in mind, this is out my control.

I have always been an outsider, always been. You're thinking how can I say that but it is very true. I am not stupid. I am even an outsider in my own family. MY OWN FAMILY!! I can't put my finger on exactly when I became such, but it's not my fault, I keep saying this to myself hoping that that sense of hurt will go away... it won't.Whether it will or not is something I can't answer, I don't know if an answer could be sought, given the years of damage. When my dad died 5 years ago (wow! 5 years really? yup 5.), mum and I made the decision not to tell anyone from his family that he had passed. We knew it would be his final wish. Initally the intent was to be as vindictive as they had been to us. But it was just a simple wish that wanted to be granted. Nothing more, nothing less. They had virtually given up on him and to us it felt as though we were giving them the satisfaction that he had left their lives for good- to no longer remind them that they are fuck ups as well, to no longer remind themselves that they fell short of being the loving and compassionate siblings as they should have been. Years later we found out that a cousin of mine knew of his passing and that is because she was working the night shift at the hospital where he died. In a strange sort of way it was a small confort that someone else knew- she's a self described black sheep of the family as well- mostly due to the distorted views and unrealistic expectations of her mother.

I often think back to those days and ponder, being a devils advocate, what if when they found out that they tried their damnest to make amends, to take back all the cruel words that were directed at me for no reason at all other than I happen to share half of the DNA of my father, and their distorted views of what was happening at the time. I can understand being resented for being the only grandchild named in the will, I get that, but understand that I did not know and to berate me for it was completely uncalled for!

Would have they wanted to be there when I got married, married to a guy who my one relation indicated that he wasn't worth it given the geographical distance. Married to a foreigner, OH MY GOD!

Would have they wanted to be present for my graduation from univerisity given that I am the only one who has attended? Probably not, again the perception that I didn't pay for school, someone else did!

I don't have a deep seeded resentment towards my dad's side of the family. I keep my distance and I feel that I have done well in maintaining a distance, hell I don't even live in the area. Although it's been said that I am not too welcoming when an encounter does occur. Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I think the thing that gets to me is I have left them alone- leave 'em be... but unfortunately that has not been the case and it bugs me to no end. I have to question if fate is trying to fuck me over on this one.

I am very smart and very perceptive to the world around me. I had to be growing up the way I did. But is there really an aura about me that makes me an outcast... do I seriously have a hidden tattoo that identifies me as an undesirable?? Was my fate sealed the moment I arrived on this earth?

There are small rare occasions where this doesn't occur, I prefer to view them as exceptional circumstances because they are just that... exceptional.

It's why I keep going.